Was listening to pasty-faced Kiwi crooner Daniel Bedingfield's tear-jerking ballad "If You're Not The One" the other day on Magic FM, polluter of the airwaves with the cream of cheese. Having nothing else to distract me, I actually listened to the lyrics, and thought Mr Bedingfield could do with someone answering his thoughtful questions. This may allow him to pen more "grounded" verse in the future. Oh and I hate the bastard because this song reminds me of an infatuation I once had with a certain girl.
If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
Probably because you're a simpering, tree-hugging pansy who wants to please everyone, all the time. And because of all the fat royalties from this song playing on the radio years later.
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
Because she's not going to use the phone to return your call. Money, fame, a nice voice and some talent in the music department have done nothing for your dress sense - I've seen those horrid t-shirt-as-jumper things you wear on T4 Sunday and elsewhere.
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?
How touching. Please refer to earlier posting on the dignity of alone.
I never know what the future brings but I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through, and I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
Probably by assuming the alpha male role instead of emasculating yourself like this. And usually the girl would stay in the guy's arms. Unless... Bitty! Bitty!
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
Well, if your needs are like those of any other man, you'd be doing something on your bed other than crying. But I suspect you are a eunuch. Because of your cherubic face and angelic voice, of course.
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
There tends to be an echo in large empty spaces.
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
Never mind, you can always transmit your feelings through the medium of a song, over the radio. Oh, you did already.
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
Because the prospect of divorce has some kind of appeal to you. If she's not for you, don't marry her.
And there concludes my analysis. Serious topics of discussion will be renewed in my next posting. Feel free to respond with your favourite dumb/annoying/nonsensical lyrics ie the analysis of why most of the examples in Alanis Morissette's "Ironic" are in fact not irony.