Monday, October 24, 2005

Love and kisses

I got this pap in one of those annoying email chain letter things where you have to scroll down past a million indent arrows and reams of stupid remarks like:

"Sorry, but this chain letter is for real, I got it the first time, and I ignored it and a week later and the love of my life for 6-months dumped me for no good reason so beware, and just send the stupid letter!!!!!!"

Er, love of your life for 6 months - that's an oxymoron, unless you're a victim of a terminal illness.

On request of an avid reader, I have picked away at the beautiful sentiments of this email until it collapsed under the weight of its own triteness like a house of Valentine's cards... see if you can spot the extra comments!


The Lovers of the Heart

In order to form a more perfect kiss, enable the mighty hug to promote to whom we please but one kiss. (WTF? Ed.)

Article 1 : Statement of Love: The Kiss

1. Kiss on the hand.... I adore you
2. Kiss on the cheek... I just want to be friends
3. Kiss on the neck... I want you
4. Kiss on the lips... I love you
5. Kiss on the ears... I am just playing (i hate that)
6. Kiss anywhere else ... lets not get carried away
7. Look in your eyes ... kiss me
8. Playing with your hair... I can't live without you
9. Hand on your waist... I love you to much to let you go
10. Kiss my arse... I'll give you a pay rise

Article 2: The Three Steps

1. Girls: If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him
2. Guys: If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good!!!
3. Guys and Girls: Close your eyes when kissing, it is rude to stare

Article 3: The Commandments

1. Thou shalt not squeeze too hard.
2. Thou shalt not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one.
3. Thou shalt kiss at every opportunity.
4. Thou shalt take the recommendation of 4 out of 5 American dentists and brush first with Colgate

Article 4: How to French Kiss

Here's How: Set the scene. Make sure that the mood and time are right. Relax! Take a deep breath and let go of any tension in your neck and shoulders. Put your arms around the person you want to kiss. Bear-hug them if they struggle. Start off with a normal kiss, not too firm, not too aggressive. Closing your eyes is optional. In mid-kiss, gently open your mouth and softly nudge the other persons mouth open using your tongue. Inspect for spinach. Again, not too aggressively, move your tongue inside the other persons mouth and playfully touch their tongue.

Read the other person's body language, if they seem tense or start to pull away, stop what you are doing. If they open their mouth more or otherwise indicate they like the kiss, keep on doing what you have been only with a little more passion. As the kissing gets going saliva build up can be a problem, don't forget to swallow, or keep a spitoon handy - this can be romantic and part of the fun. Make sure you keep your tongues relaxed but your lips tight (saliva again), you don't want the kiss to turn messy.

Tips:
1. Don't forget to breathe.
1a. Don't forget that they need to breathe too.
2. Since French Kissing is "wetter" than other kinds of kissing it is a good idea to start with dry lips, don't lick them first.
3. If one of you have braces you can still French Kiss, you just have to be more careful and not as forceful when things get passionate.
4. If both of you wear braces you can still French Kiss, you just have to be very gentle and avoid touching teeth.
(editor's note, no's 3 and 4 were really in here, begging the question of whether this email is targetted at pubescent teens going off for a snog behind the bike sheds)

French Kissing takes practice, but at least it is fun to practice this one!

**Remember** A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum, a kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue so open up your mouth, close your eyes, and give your tongue some exercise!!! In the next email, we will teach you about tonguing peaches and plums.

Well here are a few reasons why guys like girls...

1. They will always smell good even if it’s just shampoo
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end make it all worthwhile
8. Because they are always warm even when it’s minus 30 outside
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. The way her hand always finds yours
13. The way they smile
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight
15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later you will be arguing about something
16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you"
18. Actually... just the way they kiss you...
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt (even though we don't admit it)
23. The way they say "I miss you"
24. The way you miss them
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore...

And here are a few reasons why girls like guys...

1. They will always smell even if they just washed; this gives you something to nag about
2. The way your head always find the right spot on their shoulder so you're comfy and they're stuck watching some crap girly movie
3. How cute you look when you're asleep, dreaming of Orlando Bloom
4. The ease in which you force yourself to fit into their arms, then ask them if you're looking fat
5. The way you kiss them and all of a sudden you can get anything you want
6. How cute they are when they watch you eat, and then pay for it
7. The way they take 2 minutes to get dressed, resulting in looking crap, and giving you an excuse to go shopping with them
8. Because they are always after a beer even when it’s minus 30 outside
9. The way they don't quite look how you want them to no matter what they wear
10. The way you fish for compliments even though you both know that you're the most beautiful thing on this earth, and they still fall for it
11. How cute they think you are when you argue and manipulate them
12. The way your hand always finds his wallet
13. The way you smile to get what you want
14. The way you taunt them when you flash up your name on the call ID after you just had a big fight
15. The way you say "let's not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later you will be arguing about something
16. The way you use sex to get them to do something nice (and expensive) for you
17. The way you kiss them to encourange them to say "I love you"
18. Actually... just the way you kiss them...
19. The way you fall into their arms when you turn on the waterworks
20. Then the way you apologize for crying over something that silly, whilst taking further control of the relationship
21. The way you hit them and expect it to hurt because you did tae kwon doe
22. Then the way you apologize when it does hurt (even though you just emasculated them)
23. The way you say "I miss you" whilst having a fling on the sales trip abroad with the guy from Marketing
24. The way they miss you whilst having to rely on a Jenna Jameson video and some Vaseline
25. The way your tears make them want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt you anymore... ie a nice wedding, big house, decent car, a couple of kids, general usage of men as a convenient sperm bank, high street bank etc

No comments: